Encore...Encore....

I have calmed down..a bit.

2010 seems to be the year of the wedding. I knew that I would be going to ALOT of weddings this year, but never in a million years did I think one of them would be my mothers.....

A friend of mine recently mentioned that I am Steve Martin in Father of the Bride (I and II)..yikes! I think he might be right! So I have decided to embrace the wedding and the happy couple. I may not have mentioned this before, but my family stays married.....both sets of my grandparents were married for over 55 years, my parents for 45....we don't move either. I guess you could say...we like roots....deep....engrained roots.....so this whole second marriage is a bit perplexing.

Now if any of you know Gina, you know that she is a party planner....she loves a party...but she is also a pillar of decorum and good behavior..so questions run through my mind....

1) Will she have a big wedding
2) Will there be attendants
3) What about gifts
4) As the daughter, would I have to throw her a shower
5) What is the appropriate way to do an Encore Wedding

I think I might have mentioned that I am not good at reading my mom and it is safe to say that I am really not good at reading cute little Shriner Man. My initial thought would have been a small wedding, maybe a destination wedding...followed by a larger gathering of their Shrine friends at their mountain retreat. I can assure you...this is not the plan. Last count there were 150 guests and an equally large reception. Yup! That Gina loves a party....

There are times when I wish that my mom and I had a different relationship. One that is more friend like, but we are definitely not there. For one thing, we are very different in our approach to things, so it is unlikely that we are going to see eye to eye on many of the details for this wedding. Should you find yourself in a similar situation, might I suggest...hire a Wedding Planner!

This took a bit of convincing for Gina, but this has turned out to be a fabulous plan. Enter Kate...she has been able to steer the happy couple in a targeted direction, offer suggestions that are readily accepted and she has them on the path for a great day. I realize that not everyone has a Kate...so I thought I would share a few things that I learned about the Encore Wedding:

First, according to Intimate Weddings, all rules for second wedding have gone out the window. It is okay for the bride to wear white, for the ceremony to be large and for gifts to be given.
http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/second-marriage-wedding-rules-have-changed-for-encore-brides/comment-page-1/#comment-11760.

This seems to be echoed in other articles as well. Social Etiquette offered some great suggestions on the dress. Such as a floor length sheath or designer dress or a suit in any color. Gift giving, while not required, can be fun when packaged with a lifestyle the couple has like travel or the mountains. They even have some great advice on how to word the wedding vows.
http://en.allexperts.com/q/Social-Etiquette-Good-2570/wedding-vow-renewal-etiquette.htm

Does the bride get a Shower? You Bet! But not in the traditional sense. How about a re-stock the bar shower where guests bring barware, glasses or their favorite bottle of liqour. Now this I can get behind! I only have more question....

Do you think they will let me be the flower girl?

So what...I am a Daddy's girl

I am a bad daughter.

Sometimes I feel like a bad daughter...a REALLY BAD DAUGHTHER.

I love mom and I have to say that cute little Shriner man is growing on me...but I am still a bad daughter.

Most daughters would be happy that their mom had found a nice man to take care of her...and to some extent I am...but at the same time I feel invaded...irritated and just generally crabby.

It could be that after a few months of this dating craziness I am starting to really miss my dad...he was funny...I mean really funny....and he could make anyone love him the minute they met him...a Scottish Expat to the core..he had a wicked sense of humor, was notoriously cheap, loved really good single malt scotch and made each of my friends feel that family.

Don't get me wrong...he was not perfect.....he could carry grudge like only the best Scot could...and don't you dare cross him because that would simmer within him forever....and as a father he could be tough. It is safe to say that in the era of amazing punk rock and new wave hair that neither my sister or I would have ever died our hair purple (he threatened to have it off as we slept) and all prospective boyfriends did endure the third degree. But for some reason, he was always forgiven when he would drive by the post-Friday football game party and make both my sister Carin and me come up to the car to check in. For all his wacky dad-ness...he was very popular with everyone adults and teenagers alike.

When my dad became sick, I moved back home to help Gina take care of him. This was a bit of a rough transition for all three of us...but in retrospect, well worth it...I was really able to enjoy my dad...really enjoy him. I was able to learn more about him from his friends that came to visit and we would reminisce about all the crazy dad things he did while I was growing up. We would spend countless afternoons just watching that Law and Order episode and we would talk about the best way to deal with Gina when he was gone...to this day...one episode of Matlock makes me think of Andy...the day he died was truly the worst day of my life (so far).

I am finding myself to be a Daddy's girl after all. I am stubborn...and do not forgive easily either. Single Malt is good, especially for a cold, and I am told that I am a funny girl....so...

Fast forward three years to Gina and cute little Shriner man..does he need to be like my dad for me to be happy for them...no I don't think so...he is funny..but is more a fan of Star Trek then Law and Order...he is a fan of double malt scotch (we can make exceptions) and he is extremely generous....he is a good catch for a good woman....so why am I a bad daughter...

Because.....they have decided to get MARRIED and that freaks me out!

Safe to say I am a bit conflicted at this point....if you had asked me a few months ago if Gina would have agreed.. I would have had to say absolutely not...so what changed? I really don't know...was it the aliens, the pod people...anyone's guess....but I wonder.....

What would Matlock say.......

When is a gift just a gift or can it mean more?

Growing up as a Muir girl was not always easy. In fact, the rules of the house pretty much read like Emily Post's guide on manners. There was charm school for Andrea, modeling school for Carin ( she needed help in being a girl, me I was just un-charming I guess), Cotillion for both of us and a whole host of other programs designed to teach us manners and appropriate decorum. I can enter and exit a car without giving anyone a "show"...I can be gracious in dealing with just about anyone and I know when to accept a gift from a boyfriend...or at least I thought I did....so imagine how perplexed I was when cute little Shriner man gifted a very large diamond to Gina. Remember that for the past year, Gina has been running at a very fast rate from cute little Shriner man and gifts were definitely not encouraged.

What I am not very good at is reading Gina and her body language so initially I was not sure how she felt about the diamond necklace. I read unsure...embarrassed...kind of excited...a whole host of reactions...now I must admit that this type of gift would not have been encouraged were it given to one of the Muir girls...

Fast forward three days and a trip to the mall....and what do I see...the matching bracelet around her lovely wrist.... so...again I have to wonder...when is a gift just a gift or does it mean more......

What would Emily Post say about this.......well according to her blog in February, she recommends a more simple approach to gifts..one that would express your feelings, but not impart something more...and this is one etiquette dilemma most single women would like to have. http://www.etiquettedaily.com/

Further research did not reveal much in the way of gift giving...Gift Giving and Receiving Etiquette by Kathy Burns-Maynard states that gift givers just want you to be happy and satisfied with their gift....that it is how you acknowledge the gift that is most important and that in remembering the basics of gift giving and receiving you will display your sincerity without insulting. Good advice.

But, when is a gift just a gift...or can it mean more. To me, a gift is a meant to show how you care about someone else. Gift giving is an art...one that takes thought and love...a special sense of what the person loves and will make them happy. In most cases, a gift is just a gift...a lovely thoughtful expression of your love for another (even platonic friends need love)...can it mean more...sure..it can mean many things...and it can demonstrate to the world a committment to another...

What lovely gifts cute little Shriner Man gave to Gina...a demonstration of his admiration and devotion to her...a wonderful thought and of course she was gracious and thoughtful in her acknowledgment. The gifts frame her neck and wrist and remind her that he cares...that she is important and he wants to make her happy.....I agree with Emily Post...most single women would feel lucky to be in this position.....

So a gift is just a gift AND it can mean more.....way to go Gina ...now......about those new earrings....

Is this couple really different from other couples?

Now is the winter of our season..is that a song? I really don't know, but for some reason that phrase keeps going through my head. What does that mean really...that we are in the end days of our life and looking towards the light? I hope not. I hope it means that no matter how old you are, life ebbs and flows and right before it gets better...it is darkest....the winter of that season...

Hopeless romantic?? Maybe?

This is kind of how I see the current situation with Gina and her cute little Shriner Man...a time that was dark for both of them and is now moving forward to a spring awakening. I am happy for them, but at the same time somewhat apprehensive. Unfortunately, my close friends have not been in this situation before...so where does one go to seek advice on "how to deal"????

What I have determined is that a google search does, as one might think, have a plethora of advice out there..join with me as we explore the wide and wacky world of parents dating.

Cougar Hunting 101: The Ultimate Guide to Dating Older Women (and having a blast doing it)

Disturbing I know....but they do offer some good tips on how to bag the older babe....

1) Know your goals: this will help you choose the right cougar

2) Do your research:

3) Know how to please a woman......WAIT this is my mom we are talking about!

4) Use a.......

okay movin on....let's face it....Gina might be a cougar..but cute little Shriner Man would not exactly be considered a pup....

Dating and the Elderly

Closer I suppose...

1) Most seniors are not looking to "Shack up"

Yikes I am sensing a theme here.......movin on

Dating Advice for Men and Women

1) How to say I Love you in 100 Ways

2) Dating and Seducation Tips for Women

ahhhh...keep on movin on

Okay...so what have we learned here? Probably more then I would have liked....but I certainly can see that a persons age is just a number and that dating rules seem to be the same for all...so... Is now the winter of our season......more like April Showers bring May flowers... good grief...movin on.....

It's not easy being Gina

Gina with Scott Johnson and Kima

"To win at the dating game, it is a big mistake to believe that just because you want to date someone, that you are going to be a couple". Seems like reasonable advice from senior dating sites....however, I am pretty sure that cute little Shiner Man has not explored advice from senior dating sites...In fact, I KNOW that he hasn't. How do I know this... 1) He does not have a computer and 2) He would not have told the world that he was going out with Gina....

Poor Gina...what do you do when you have a cute little Shriner Man vying for your love? Ignore it....that works huh? Yea...that works. Oh yea....NOT!!!

Never in a million years did I ever imagine that I would be the one to give my mother dating advice. Couple that with the fact that I am not really good at giving this type of advice...this really has disaster written all over it. I understand that it would be hard to resist this cute little man...he calls Gina every morning at 8:30 to check in and wish her a good day. He sends her flowers with heart written cards...and he makes sure that she has all the things that she would ever need..most importantly...he is patient. And believe me....he needs to be patient. Very, very patient.

Gina really could not understand why cute little Shriner Man keeps calling her..she has been honest with him about not wanting to date him...

Really Gina...really....could it be the mumbled "I love you too" when you hang up each morning? Could it be the agreeing to be his date at various Shrine functions? Or maybe it is the invitation to spend all holidays with us? Hard to say really Gina...if I was a betting woman I would say probably all three...

Secretly I would giggle away at her discomfort...and of course share it with my best friend in my best barbed whit...for Gina I would point out, what to me, was the obvious infractions that might lead to the misunderstanding. Gina, was not so quick to arrive at the same conclusion. Now I suppose that 45 years of not dating might be part of the problem here, but you would think it is like riding a bike...you just adjust to a new day...or century in this case. Just try being in the middle of this triangle....envious I know.

What's a good daughter to do?

Maybe I will try to see if I can get cute little Shriner Man to make an offer to put in a good word for him???? I just might make a buck or two..

Wait! I'm the Daughter....

I love a rodeo...and the Brawley Cattle Call is one of the best in the state of California....the horses, the cowboys, wild horse racing....what is not to love??? I mean really.....now add in a bunch of Shriners and the night is complete. I may not have mentioned this, but my family has a long tradition of belonging to the Masonic Organizations, especially the Shrine...so it is not unusual that I would have been in the desert on a November night getting ready to go a rodeo...in fact it has been a fun filled Shrine kind of day....a big parade...a bar-b-que and ice cream social...they even threw a guy in the pool...so you can imagine that I am really looking forward to what kind of trouble these guys could get into.....

"When you have a minute...I would really like to talk to you"...not something I was thinking I would hear at the rodeo...well maybe I was hoping I would hear it....but from a cute cowboy.. :)

Shoot...I say a bit casually..maybe too quickly...I am looking into the sweet face of a Shriner...really where could this be going?

"Well..I know your father just passed away...but I am in love with your mother..and I would like your permission to date her..."

Cute little Shriner say WHAT?????

"I really am deeply in love with your mother...and I would like to date her."

Wait...what does one say to this question? Is there a manual?

Now, while I don't know the answer to those questions...I can give you four points on how to react to this question:
1. DO NOT freak out!!!!!
2. DO NOT laugh uncontrollably
3. DO NOT freak out!!!
4. Be gracious and pick your words carefully...

Ahhhhhh...sure...that would be fine......just have her home by midnight....

A twist of fate really does change everything

I am the oldest of two daughters...

Unfortunately, I am now the only daughter since my sister Carin passed away in August of 2000. In that instant, at 36, I became the only daughter of my wonderful, if not, mildly overprotective parents. Talk about a wild twist of fate....I went from having a sister to help with the trials and tribulations in the care and management of Mom and Dad, to having only myself to navigate that slippery slope. All seemed to be falling into place...until that day in 2007 when my father passed away rather suddenly...and I found myself alone with my mother. Don't get me wrong..I love my mom. She is a bundle of energy..at 70 years of age, she runs circles around most of the people my age. We get along great....we love to spend time together and we have had some fun travels...it is just that my parents were married for 45 years and Dad was always her pal. I can appreciate that things change and in most cases I welcome it. However, I was not at all prepared for what happened next....

What do you do when your 70 year old mother......gets a BOYFRIEND???? I have no idea.....